let's reminisce

2008-01-29T13:27:00.000-08:00

In those arms, i don't wish to be...

Ok, the title says it all. Should I explain more? I'm tired,I'm tattered and torn inside..

And ya, I'm done !

* I don't know you who you are now. You're not the person I fell in love with.

2008-01-21T03:47:00.000-08:00

What Raissa Means

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

2008-01-21T03:46:00.000-08:00

What Huraizah Means

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.
You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience.You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along.But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

2008-01-17T05:20:00.000-08:00

.....

See! I can't even produce a title. I'm feeling very shitty today. I can't put my finger on the problem. Spending time alone the whole day today,made me realise a lot of things. Especially WHERE I STAND RIGHT NOW. Well, that's enough to make me feel all worked up and bloody shitty.

I hate it whenever I'm in this mode. I feel so alone. No one to turn to,no one to pour my problems to. I get fickle easily. One moment I decided to leave, the next moment I decided to stay.

Ok I admit it, I'm one insecure bitch. Thanks to you Mister!

Everything I do is never good enough huh? I need to give you the world to prove you wrong?

I don't wanna brag about this anymore. I should stop complaining. Coz now I know where I stand. I'm neither here nor there. I have nothing, and so I shall shut my gap and be grateful.

"God, please help me in this. I have nothing and no one now. I'm fighting this battle alone. I don't wanna ask for anything else. Just tell me whether I need to stay or leave.."

** This made me realise that I don't love you like I did yesterday.
I love you, but today I hate you.
We're cool but not today.

2008-01-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

Nothing Lasts forever Baby

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
I Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babeI
t hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

But we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way.....

2008-01-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

Let's Start All Over Again

Okay, I just feel that I need to jot something down,despite my un-frequent updates. In fact,I actually stopped blogging. But I'll give this a shot. Coz I'm desperate. And I need to let this go, I need to clear these uneasy feelings...

Things have been in topsy turvy during the yester year. But still, I'm grateful. This was what I wished and hoped for long time ago. And finally I'm free. Finally I thought ya, this is exactly what I want and how I want things to be..

Well, obviously you don't get the best from two sides of the world. Regret? I don't know. But God showed me enough to let me realised that this is not meant for me. Every single big or small things that happened made me stronger but weaker at the same time. At times I just feel like running away. I just feel like hiding and cover my face and cry alone. Because everything is the same. Yes I'm free,but not how I want it to be.

I'm still drowning. Getting in and out of misery. Often feel that I should end everything, end my life instantly. I don't know why I still wait and let it happen. I still feel that it's worth it. I still don't wanna give up. Even if I know that I can't go through this anymore.

Ok let me go straight to the point. I had enough of beating around the bush about what I'm feeling deep down inside. Call me stupid, call me anything. But I guess that God is teaching me a lesson and at the same time He'll have something good in store for me.

It's not about my family anymore. I won't be bragging about my mom or my dad anymore like I used to. Our ties have been severed long time ago. And I don't wanna go into details about what happened.

Now is about Him. Is about me and Him. I'll explain it this way.

"I still remember you promise me happiness, love and protection. In fact everything under the sun. I wasn't prepared at first. I had doubts at first. I told you that I wasn't sure. I told you that this might not be right. But you assured me. You gave and showed me everything just to let me see that you were true, that you were sincere. I stumble, you lifted me up. Whenever I see you,whenever I look you through your eyes, I was certain then, that this must be it. Whatever you promised were real, you were real.

It was bliss at the beginning. You were there for me. You made me strong. Well, I'm strong because of you. You gave the attention and love that I was deprived for all these years. And at that moment, I was nothing more than happy and grateful.

I thought that this will stay. But good things always come to an end. And so it did for me. It was all the same all over again. I felt worst actually. I can't believe that it turned out this way. I can't believe that you turned out cold. And I always have this mindset that it was my fault. That after a while I became a burden to you. That my presence just blew everything. Everything turned sour. We drifted apart.

Everyday with every worthless worth we said we got more far away. The distance between us made it so hard stay. But I was patient. I tried to pull through, I had many falls but I still continue this. Because I don't wanna think that I made a grave mistake. Because this was my choice, this was what I want. You are what I want. I don't wanna be a laughing stock to my parents. That's why I still stay. Even if I was hurt bad, I still try,still holding on.

It was ok then, but it got worst again. There were so many things that you did that hurts me deep. It's not that I'm saying that it wasn't my fault at all. I did mistakes too. But yours were too serious. And I gave you too many chances. Even if at times I woke up in the morning and made a decision to leave, but when I see you, you made me weak. And so I stayed.

You broke my heart too many times. Even if you know it wasn't whole to start with. There was a time that I thought I had enough, and I left. But you looked for me. You wanted and needed me back. You cried. You told me you were sorry. You promised me that it won't happened again. You promised me whatever you promised me at the start.

I relented. I thought you were sincere and things will turn out bliss again. But NO. It's the same. It got worst babe. I couldn't cry anymore,because I cried too much. I couldn't tell you that I was gonna leave,because you always know how to work your way through and made me stay.

Then I heard stories about you. Things that I don't believe that you will do it. You denied. You told me that all that was untrue. And once again I forgave you. I let it go...

And now,you know I know what the ultimate problem is. You told me you were happy about it. You told me how estatic you were. I didn't believe you. But then again when it comes to you, I will go weak. And I trusted your words.

Things did turned back to how I want it to be. You are here for me now. You showed me how much you love me and that you care. You told me that I am the one. That no matter what, I'm always the one. You told me that it's only me that you love.

But baby, is this only for a while? Whatever you said, is it just to cover your shit? Or is it for real?

You know damn well how I always feel about you. Even when we were separated few years back, this feeling never change, even for an inch. How much more must I show you? What more that you want from me?

Sigh.. Well baby, I don't mind getting hurt. But not by You. Because I always think that you're the person that will only make me happy and that you won't hurt me. And you jolly well know, no matter what, you are still the one that I want, I see my future in your eyes. You're still the nice guy that I know. You're still the one that makes me laugh. You're still the one who catches my back. You're still the one who makes me happy. You're still the one that knows how to love me like how I want to be loved.

You've done so much for me. You were by my side when the world was against me. You were the one who will wipe my tears. You are still the one who never fails to make me smile. I'm stronger thanks to you. I am so grateful that you helped me alot that I don't know how else to repay you. I thank you for that..

But you just can't look me in the eyes and tell me that you're sorry. And tell me that you love me... Let's start fresh, I need you most right now... "

2007-03-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

I Desparately Need Moolahs!

Oh great! I'm broke,bankrupt and a massive hole in my pocket. *shrug*. Bless my soul because i have no money to do anything or whatsoever.. I need to get myself a new pair of shoes,in fact,everything new. And i definitely need to save up for boyfriend's birthday,which is just around the corner. *screams*

On a brighter note, my holidays are coming. Exams are next week.I'm half prepared. Yay?

Oh well,i'll end here then..

Gdnight beautiful people!

i miss you love!

2007-01-29T17:51:00.000-08:00

BEEP OFF SCUMS!

Firstly i thank you to those who viewed my blog. But, that doesn't mean you have to tag harshful and vulgar statements,saying things that i'm bloody not! And for your info, i have the power to delete those things you tagged. So too bad! You can continue what you're best at, which are typical act of jealousy and cowardness! For all i care, you are not brave enough to come up to me and say those things straight to my face.

You people are worst than scum! So BEEP OFF!!

2007-01-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

Listen

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen,
to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release..

The time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all cause you won't
Listen....

Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known..

Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago..

I don't know where I belong
But i'll be movin on
If you don't..If you won't....LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete...

You should have listened daddy. But now you left me hanging in mid air. You left me drowning in this depression mode again. I don't know what to do,i don't know who to turn to. You should have known this pain buried inside. But you just won't LISTEN!

2007-01-25T21:38:00.000-08:00

Ordinary People

Boy i'm in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay,
maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby you and I

This time we'll take it slow

I miss you heaps baby!

2006-12-30T01:00:00.000-08:00

Home

Maybe surrounded by a million people
I still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

2006-12-27T01:30:00.000-08:00

This is life!

Life is about making decisions and taking risks all the time.And when doing so, no one will be by your side to tell you that you are doin the right thing,or guiding you.Absolutely no one.

When you think that your family would well listen to your crucial issues or problems, and in return give you solutions or dish out advices,well,that's when you're wrong.They weren't be there when you are in your most vulnerable, when you re full if angst.You fight alone in this battle.You would probably be right if you have wonderful and understanding family,parents to be precise.

And yeah, the next right thing you do is to turn to your boyfriend/girlfriend or friends.Do you think they would be of help? Nope! And again,that's only if you have wonderful or helpful ones,then yeah,you'll probably have a a sincere pair of listening ears or even a shoulder to cry on.

It's sad or saddistic even, to those who are fragile..

**I'm fighting alone in this battle.What more during the aftermath.And God still haven't answered my prayers.And i've come to a point where enough is enough.I won't sit and listen and thinking about other people anymore.What do i get? Nothing! Zero! Suffering to be exact! Crying myself to sleep to be exact! And for now, i feel that my closed ones would be of no help.When they are the ones who's ruining everything.And for once, i'm not gonna take all the blame like i always did. Since they would be the one who would say that i'm the root of the problems.

I'm changing for goodness sake! I'm trying to make things right.But they just didn't see it.Even a tiny wrong step i took,would blow everything off! It's not easy doing this shit alone.What more if there's no one by my side.All they see is my black past.All they see is my wrongdoings.

Yes,it hurts.Deep..

Daddy,if only you read would read this.Then i guess you'll understand me better.People change.I change.But you just don't see it.And hell yeah i got tired so im back to square one.You can blame me all you want,but for now,im doing things my way!

And Baby,when can i get you to understand my situation? When will you stop saying all those harsh words to me? It hurts.I'm effing hurt..But it won't matter huh,coz i know you know that i'm the one who's causing all the shit everytime..But i'm hurt..And in times like this,when i'm against all odds,when the world is against me,i expect you to be there for me,to understand me...But no.....

Well people,this entry implies to my family. If you have a family like mine, i understand the shit that you go through, but if it's otherwise, then i know better..

It hurts, but i'll just have to accept the fact that this is life....My life....

NOBODY DIES A VIRGIN,COZ IN THE END,LIFE FUCK US ALL!

2006-12-17T20:18:00.000-08:00

Leaving on a jet plane

Hey friends and love ones,just to inform you that i'll be leaving to Jakarta on 18 December.I'm not sure how long will i be there.Anything just leave me a message ya.Take care and see you all soon!

Goodbye lovely people! :)

* I feel much much better.No more feeling green with envy! How cool!

2006-12-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

Lonely-plus-Jealousy??

I'm overwhelmed with loneliness.Yesterday sent my bf off at Jalan Bahar Camp.He's serving his BMT now.Actually it's not that bad coz he'll be booking out this coming Friday.Since now they don't have any confinement days.So ya,it isn't that bad ya.

And i don't now why,i must say the feeling of jealousy is in me since like weeks ago.Feeling green with envy.And i don't like that feeling.At the first place,there isn't any competition to begin with! Or maybe there is,it's just that i don't know.
I just feel unappreciated,feel like i'm second best.Feel like i'm not special.Double sigh!

If only you could come clean,then i could sleep peacefully..Coz right now, i feel that u don't find the comfort in me..

Oh well,guess this is all..Missing bf loads!

2006-12-10T17:01:00.000-08:00

It's Unfair!

Just as the situation is getting better,we are slowly back on the right track and my pain is healing,you are leaving....

It's unfair.Life is unfair....

2006-12-09T00:15:00.000-08:00

Hurt

I'm sorry for blaming you.For everything I just couldn't do.And I've hurt myself by hurting you...

2006-12-05T21:55:00.000-08:00

Bleargh..

I'm feeling so bluek and yucky.Maybe i'm still affected about yesterday.So damn bloody affected.Sigh! Oh well..

Anyways,let's move on to a more exciting stuff.Like for example,somebody committed suicide at Yishun mrt station in the morning.Causing disruption.Ok,that's a bit random.

And i was smiling in glee from just now,despite the fact that i am feeling down,my bf passed his practical and is on the way in getting his licence.Congrats babe!

Aite,i'm done. :) How random!

2006-12-04T20:28:00.000-08:00

Screw You!

Do you even think i want my life to be this way? Do you even think i wanna come home? To face you? Well,not anymore.Not since few years back. I thought you are my only saviour.But im proven wrong.I've been shutting my gap all this while, but this time i have to splurt it out.All this time i thought you are right.But not this time.Not this bloody time.If you think that you are doing the right thing,well,hello,you are not! Don't think im stupid and don't think i don't know about the shit that you've been doing.You think by telling me a lie,i'll be damn dumb to trust your shit? Well,you are dead wrong.

And hell yeah,people do have last minute decisions.All the people i could think of.Even you! It's good enough i didn't break my cool and spill the beans.Spill out all the shits i know.Just because you have the authority, you think you are doing the right thing? No you are not.Not this time!

If sending me back is the best choice,then ok,i won't hesitate to pack my bag.I realised my mistakes,but you don't.I'm no seed where you can just throw and expect it to grow by itself.I'm human,if you remember.Someone who needs attention and understanding more than everything in this bloody world! And im no dumbass whom you can lie.I know well,and i know all.

It's lucky enough that God still wants me to continue this life.Or you'll find me dead.Then i guess you'll be sorry.Feeling effing sorry that you didn't do the right thing.Feeling effing sorry for not feeling my pain.Feeling effing sorry that you weren't there when i'm in my most vulnerable.

I've never blame things on you.But this time,i am blaming everything on you!

I've had enough daddy.I've had enough of you.I've had enough living miserably in this home..no..hell..

If only you have the time to listen to me,to feel what i'm feeling,to cry along when i'm crying,to put me away from this pain...But no,you only have the time to pick up the phone,dial her number and talk to her...

Screw you daddy! And i'm sorry.I just want you to know that i love you.And you are still the greatest in my life....Bet you don't even know it!

Ok,i'm done with my angst ranting.If it's wrong to say all these,then screw it! I'm full of angst right now and i'm feeling so irky.I just need to jot what i'm feeling.

2006-12-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

A fresh beginning!

I've deleted my old blog.And so,come dive into my life once again.